The Hojo's!
by KukaruiValentine
Summary: Finally! Episode Two. Let's just say that School SUCKS! Read it, come on!
1. Default Chapter

Rating: R (For insinuated cursing and maybe, if you're lucky, real stuff, if I get tired of editing it out or bleeping it.)  
  
Genre: Parody/Humor (may contain several or all of the following at some point; Romance, General, Action/Adventure, Horror, etc.)  
  
Warnings: The mouths' on the four Hojo's? They are pretty, pretty bad. Other than that... not too much, maybe each episode will have something different.  
  
A/N: This is a parody of the Osbournes after I ate too much bad shellfish and watched a marathon of them BEFORE I went and played Final Fantasy VII. And to make it more fun, I added Beth, who is the 'Kelly' Figure in the household. She is certainly a looker. The twins are about nineteen in this fic, and all the other's have their game ages. Let it be noted here and now that the author does NOT, repeat does NOT, like the pairing of Vincent and Yuffie. She hates it. But, she does however, like the pairing of Tifa and Cloud, so that is what is used here, and keep in mind that this so very, very A/U! Thank you, and enjoy....  
  
The Hojo's!  
  
Episode One; Moving in and meeting the neighbors!  
  
**(Corny Theme song music)**  
  
Announcer Dude: Welcome to the Hojo's! Staring.... (pans to Lucrecia, holding her cat, Cait Sith, and talking on the phone) Lucrecia Hojo as herself! Also Staring... (camera pans to Sephiroth Hojo sitting in his room playing Final Fantasy X-2, junk food all around him) Sephiroth Hojo as the annoying boy twin! And Staring (camera pans to Beth, painting her toenails and listening to music, Nanaki, the family dog, lays by her side.) Beth Hojo as the sexy girl twin! (Camera now pans to Dr. Hojo, down in his basement laboratory, about to mix two test tubes together.) And staring Dr. Hojo as 'The Dad'.... Life with this bunch has never been better!  
  
(Chours singing: "The Hojo's!")  
  
(Camera pans over the Shin-Ra mansion as it is being painted outside)  
  
Lucrecia: (voice over) We chose the Shin-Ra Mansion because of it's great location and wonderful neighborhood. The school system here is good and the view is just breath-taking.  
  
(Camera pans to one of three large moving trucks parked outside of the mansion)  
  
Beth: (sitting on a stone statue of a lion, her long silver hair is blowing in the wind. She is wearing a pair of baggy pants and a 'I love myself' pink tee shirt) Be f***ing carful with that f***ing piece of s**t! That is mine! (She yells to some workers)  
  
Lucrecia: (standing in the front yard) Oh, look! The neighbors are here to come and introduce themselves... what a nice bunch of people....  
  
Sephiroth: (digging in one of the boxes on the first truck) Hey, mom... which truck did I pack my god d***ed f***ing PS2 in?  
  
Lucrecia: (sighs) I don't f***ing remember, we will find it later...  
  
(The camera pans to the neighbors of the city, all coming up to see who is moving in. There is Cloud and Tifa Strife; Cid and Shera Highwind and Vincent and Yuffie Valentine. Others that live in the town but are not here to introduce themselves are Barret and Marlene Wallace who live in a small cottage on the edge of town, and Reno, Rude, Elena, Tseng and Reeve of the Turks, who live in the 'inn'.)  
  
Cloud: (walking up and nodding to Lucrecia) Hello, my name is Cloud and this is my wife, Tifa.  
  
Lucrecia: (nods and smiles) Hello, my name is Lucrecia Hojo... and these... (looks around for her children) BETH! SEPHIROTH! GET THE F*** OVER HERE AND MEET THE NEW F***ING NEIGHBORS!  
  
The Twins walk over to their mother.  
  
Lucrecia: (clears her throat) Excuse me, as I was saying... these are my twins. This is Beth and that there is Sephiroth. (Points to her children)  
  
Tifa: (a little thrown back by the cursing) Well, uh, it's very, very nice to meet you all. I hope that you like living here.  
  
Cid: (walks up next) I'm Cid Highwind, an' dis es my wife Shera! (Pulls Shera up to stand next to him)  
  
Shera: (smiles nicely) It's so nice to see someone finally move into this house.  
  
Lucrecia: (nods and smiles) Thank you Shera, I hope I get to talk to you some more.  
  
Vincent: (walking up) Hello Lucrecia... I am Vincent Valentine, and this is my wife, Yuffie Valentine.  
  
Beth: (rudely) How old is that little cum-guzzling b***h? I have got to be at least twice her f***ing age!  
  
Yuffie: (grumbles) I am sixteen! Beth: (looks at the one called Vincent) I am nineteen. And how old are you sir?  
  
Vincent: Twenty seven... let's just say that it was a planned marriage that neither of us like...  
  
Sephiroth: (laughing as he jumps onto a rock to sit down) What a pedophile of a man.  
  
Lucrecia: (ignoring her children) Well, it is nice to meet all of you, after we get our house in order, what do you say to a little get together? Hmm?  
  
(Lucrecia and the guests are talking and making plans for a get-together when a loud crash, followed by lots of yelling is heard)  
  
Hojo: (clearly irritated) God f***ing d*** it! I told the m***er f***ing b****d NOT to drop that f***ing box, and now all my hard f***ing work is f***ing laying in the middle of my new f***ing living room! D*** it all to HELL!!  
  
Lucrecia: (calls from outside) Dear! We have company!  
  
Hojo: (walks outside, tripping over Nanaki, the family dog and lands on his face after he tumbles down the stairs) F***!!!  
  
Lucrecia: (sighs) Dear... our neighbors are here!  
  
Dr. Hojo goes over and introduces himself to all the neighbors.  
  
Sephiroth: (Yelling to some random guy that is unloading a big heavy box) That is my f***ing porno collection! I have it f***ing indexed so don't try to steal any of it you f***ing c**k sucker!  
  
Beth: (goes inside the house for a drink of water or something)  
  
Hojo: (talking to the group of neighbors) Yes... we would be glad to have you all over for a god d***ed c**k sucking get together.  
  
Beth: (screams, running outside)  
  
Lucrecia: (looks at her daughter) We haven't called the exterminator back yet. There are still a few dorky faces. Be careful in there.  
  
Beth: (mumbling something, walks over to a couch that is in the grass, just being loaded off of the truck and sits down with her "Mako Lust" magazine)  
  
Announcer: We will be right back to The Hojo's right after a word from our beloved sponsor!  
  
The camera fades out and then fades back in, showing Rufus, the president, talking about mako energy.  
  
Rufus: Mako Energy, clean... resourceful, and replenishing, no more harming the world for the new way we power the homes! Make it Mako!  
  
The camera fades back in to the Hojo's new house; it is now dark and late on the first day. The camera pans to Lucrecia, in the kitchen, standing next to the counter with several large pizza boxes on it.  
  
Lucrecia: (taking a slice of pizza, talking to the camera) We better live in this house for a while, because my husband went and had it decorated and painted right before we moved in. There are crosses EVERYWHERE!(The camera pans around the house, showing all the crosses all over) The twins painted their rooms too, (the camera shows Beth's room, painted black, then Sephiroth's room, painted in bright blood red) so now, we are all trying to relax after a hard day of working. Hojo is downstairs in his lab, after he finally had hinted to the neighbors that they had outstayed their welcome, he went downstairs to fix things up. (She walks into the living room and sits on the couch, next to her cat, Cait Sith) See... the movers managed to bring everything inside today and we even managed to unload most of it. The exterminator is coming first thing in the morning for a follow up.  
  
Hojo: (coming upstairs, in his lab coat, his black hair is dyed red at the ends, ala Ozzy; and he is sporting major tattoos on his arms and hands and neck) I am going to bed now... f***ing idiots, almost made me loose three f***ing thousand dollars in rare mixtures of liquid materias! But do those f***ing b****ds care? NO! (He walks off upstairs)  
  
Lucrecia: (calls after him) Honey! Don't forget our room is the fourth on the right, not the third door on t he right... that is.....  
  
Beth: (upstairs, screams)  
  
Lucrecia: (laughs and then yells) That's BETH'S ROOM!  
  
Hojo: (grumbles from upstairs) Why didn't you f***ing tell me before? I almost saw my own f***ing daughter doing lord f***ing knows what!  
  
Lucrecia: (sighs and turns to the camera) And so, starts our first day in our new home...  
  
(The camera fades out to the credits)  
  
Announcer Dude: Next Episode of The Hojo's!  
  
Beth: I don't care if she is a black belt in Karate! I think that he shouldn't be forced to marry that little c*** slut! I think that he should f***ing marry anyone he pleases! Sephiroth: (cuts scene from another part of the show) My sister is trying to be a f***ing home wrecker!  
  
Announcer: Only on... (Chorus singing: The HOJO'S!) 


	2. School SUCKS!

**The Hojo's: Episode Two!**

"_This one is formatted differently then the last one, not as much cussin' and swearing but just as much fun! I do hope you enjoy it! I do!" Beth..._

The horrible sound of the alarm clock rousted Beth up early in the morning on the first day of school. She quickly made rubble out of the screeching alarm and groaned as she laid back in her bed for few more blissful moments of slumber.

Next door, her brother, Sephiroth, heard the alarm start to ring, he merely glanced at it, causing the thing to commit suicide by jumping through the nearby window. He too went back to sleep.

Moments later, their came a roar up the stairway, "BETH! SEPHIROTH! You guys better be up and moving...YOUR GOING TO BE LATE FOR YOUR FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!"

"Hmm... big incentive." Beth growled as she jumped up and threw her clothes on. "All black." Beth smiled.

She opened her door, only to be almost ran over by Nanaki, who was busily chasing Cait Sith, the family cat. Nanaki stops, looks at the camera and says, "How do I get roped into these roles?" Then continues on chasing the cat.

"Brother, come on! We are going to be late!" Beth pounded on Sephiroth's door. Then, she opened it a crack. "A-HA!!!!!!"

"MOM! Sephiroth is sleeping with his Hello Kitty Plushie again!" Beth ran down the stairs with Sephiroth hot on her heels, him in his chocobo chibi pajamas.

"Sephiroth, how many times have your mother and I told you, future mad men/self proclaimed god type men DO NOT SLEEP WITH HELLO KITTY!" Dr. Hojo looked up from his newspaper at the boy, hiding a giggle.

"But it's my Stealth Ninja Night Warrior Hello Kitty!"

"It doesn't matter Sephiroth, now go and get dressed!" Lucrecia snapped. "Your breakfast is getting cold!"

Beth scarfed down her toast and Mako-laden Orange Juice. She ran into Sephiroth in the entry way, looking in the 'Umbrella' Stand.

"Sephiroth, don't touch Independencia! Don't touch my sword!"

Sephiroth scoffed at his sister, "I wasn't going to touch your stupid sword anyways, I am looking for my sword!"

Their fighting got so loud that Lucrecia came over and looked at both of them, "No swords."

Sephiroth whined, "But Moooooom! How am I going to learn to be a good mass murderer if you won't let me practice?"

Lucrecia shooed Sephiroth into the kitchen to eat his breakfast, Beth grabbed both swords and ran outside, just as the bus was pulling up.

Sephiroth bolted out behind her and almost got impaled on his own weapon. "Uh... thanks!" He said as they both ran onto the bus, hiding their weapons in their trench coats.

Lucrecia came running after the yelling at the top of her lungs, but it was too late. They had taken their swords to school.

"Can this day get any worse?" Beth mumbled after they had got their class assignments.

"HEY!" a voice squealed. "I know YOU! Your that new girl from down the road!"

Beth turned her long silvery hair to be face to face with...

"I'm Yuffie Valentine! Remember?" Yuffie beamed

"Ah, yes, the arranged marriage." Beth hissed, adjusting her Wizard bracelet so that Yuffie could see she was more than well armed.

"Hey, you have English next? That's MY class! We have the same class!" Yuffie gushed.

"Oh, goodie..." Beth said flatly. The last thing she wanted to do all day was hang around with this bitch, she was... eww.

"So, what grade are you in?" Yuffie asked.

"I'm a senior..."

"Then why are you taking some freshman corses?"

"I am behind in two subjects, okay? English... and" She shuddered, "Gym class."

"Oh, let me see!" Yuffie grabbed her schedule and looked at it, "We have gym together."

"Joy..." Beth said in a monotone voice. Beth was saved, sort of, by the bell that was ringing.

Yuffie bounded down the hallway and followed Beth into English class, taking a seat by her.

Beth could only imagine what she could do with her sword and her bracelet to this wonderful class.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."

"It's not that bad!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....."

"It'll be fun!"

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..........."

"Think of how all the girls will be envious!"

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH........"

"Think of how good of a cook you will be!"

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......"

"Think about inhaling Sephiroth!"

"EEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPP" Sephiroth took a deep breath.

"It says here you signed up for Home Ec." The principle said.

"I signed up for shop class, killing monsters class and principles of battle class!"

"Too late Sephiroth, those classes are full, Home Ec. It will be!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH........"

"Goodie! Hey Beth! I thought I would walk you to Gym class!"

Beth's head met her locker... hard. SLAM!

"Come on, the bells about to ring! We better get going." Yuffie bounced down the hall.

"Gods save me..." Beth slammed her locker shut.

"Good afternoon class." The burly female teacher said, "Today we were going to have you buy your uniforms, but they are not here yet, so we will just play some games. Anyone up for tennis?" She held up a racket.

One kid raised his hand.

"Baseball?"

No one.

"Quidditch?"

Two kids.

"Dodgeball???"

Everyone wanted Dogdeball.

They split up and chose teams, Yuffie was a team leader, and so was Cloud Strife, who was a freshman as well.

"Cloud, you first." The teacher said.

"I want Beth!"

"I wanted Beth!" Yuffie cried.

"Now, Yuffie, he got to pick first, you can pick first next time!"

Beth walked over to Cloud's team and almost kissed Cloud for picking her, besides, her day was looking better already.

Sephiroth sat in his Home Ec class with several... er... all girls. He sighed as the teacher was handing out recipes. "Here Sephiroth... this looks like an easy one..." The nice teacher said.

"Oh, thank you... I'm going to have a blast..." Sephiroth smiled as he laughed a little while looking at the recipe. 'Charred Burgers'.

"Okay, class... I have enough items in here where you can make these things today... but be careful, and if you need help, let me know!" The teacher smiled.

The teacher was explaining the rules, Beth made sure that she got a clear shot of Yuffie's head. The teacher placed the balls in the middle of the gym floor, ran over to a corner and blew her whistle.

Beth got the balls first, grabbed up four of them and launched them all, at super-sonic speed, towards Yuffie.

"AHHHHHHH" Yuffie screeched as the balls slammed her into the concrete wall behind her. Two had hit her, the other two had left impressive size dents in the walls. Yuffie fell off the wall, and there was a Yuffie print too!

"TIME!" The teacher yelled as she rushed over to Yuffie.

Yuffie looked up and said, "no, no thank you dear moose... I don't want any feather, I have my own..."

"Who threw that ball?"

Everyone pointed at Beth. The teacher glared at her.

"I guess I don't know my own stregnth..." Beth chuckled.

Cloud helped tote Yuffie off to the nurse, while the rest of the class got let out early for lunch, Beth had to wait in the principles office... with....

"What are you doing here Sephiroth?"

"I...er...blew up the Home Ec. Lab..." Sephiroth smiled.

"On purpose?"

"Not completely!" Sephiroth moved his trench coat sleeve to hide his Angel's bangle. ((note: Not in the game, just sounds cool.))

"Oh brother... what a day this has been, and it isn't even lunch yet!" Beth smiled.

"Hey guys! How was your day at school?" Lucrecia smiled as her children walked in the door.

"Eh..." Beth dropped her backpack and ran upstairs.

"Same old, same old..." Sephiroth said as he went to watch television.


End file.
